Never use contractions when writing letters, won’t it depend who I’m writing them to? Never use a pre-tied bow tie, can anyone tell the difference? Never smoke a cigar in the presence of a lady, do they get lung cancer faster or what? Never ask for a double unless someone offers, I’m only 16 and I don’t even like spirits. Never wear herringbone in the evenings, why would I be dressed as a fish? Never telephone someone to thank for a gift always write them a letter, with no contractions I know I know. Never gallop when a lady is trotting, I’m scared of horses you’re my father you should know that. Never swear, I’m going to swear in a minute if you don’t shut up. Never waste your time reading books that aren’t important, Kafka didn’t think he was important so who are you to judge? Oh, and do have a good time this term, speaking all proper with no swearing and dressed as a fish in a real bow tie and not getting drunk or offending women or reading Kafka yes yes I will have a good time I’m sure.


  1. Quite comvicning. If I didn’t know your gender, you would have taken me in. Like the interjections.

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