by Lindsay Brown
Grow up. Don’t be provocative. Don’t flirt. Exercise and keep trim. Don’t show too much flesh. You are not a stripper. Pad your bra if you must, but don’t get breast implants. You are not a porn star. Be sure to keep your man satisfied, and take care of his natural needs. And my needs? Never talk about sex, that’s coarse. Eating will not be one of your pleasures. Wear fashionable clothes, high heels, make up. Not too much; just enough to conceal your flaws. You are not a clown. Don’t have your cleavage on display. I can’t help it! Don’t slouch; it gives you a belly. Don’t stand up too straight, as you’ll look cocky. Don’t hold a high opinion of yourself. Do well in your studies. Don’t brag about your little triumphs. Never talk politics, religion or money. Don’t be a working mother. Don’t claim benefits. Never wear trousers to an interview. Be womanly and accommodating. Clean the house. Nurture a family. Brush your hair. Live on fresh air. Stop time. Grow money on trees. Please everyone. I can’t.