Café People

 Red face, walking with vicious intent, slams the door. Buzz, page, classic phone ringtone, “extra large skinny latte, 3 shots”. Trench coat, blackberry, bluetooth headset, enough caffeine for five cardiac arrests. “If I wanted to lose £7 Million I would have just poured it down the fucking drain, now I look like a fucking clown for leaving some cockeyed cunt like you in charge of the Stevenson account”. A stunned silence settles upon the café, the cute Hispanic Barista’s sweet red lips lie agape. The flustered wannabe Wall Street bully leaves.

 In the corner a mother of three struggles to get around explaining to her inquisitive daughter what a cockeyed cunt is. A babycino, a triple espresso, and two baby bottles bobbing up and down in jugs of hot water sit on the table. The twin with the big eyes throws up and the little ginger one wakes up crying almost immediately. The inquisitive daughter shows her Mother the crayon masterpiece shes just created on her jacket. Her phone rings, but is left to ring out as she tends to her kids, the phone rings again right away. “Hello, please would you just fff…leave me alone”.

 The lunchtime rush is over, the now bedraggled Hispanic Barista clocks off after a 6am start grabbing a near poisonously strong coffee on her way out. As she leaves a swarm of private school girls take over the place in a haze of backcombed hair and expensive shoes. Seven chai tea lattes and a pile of ridiculously expensive muffins. All the privileges of a £17,000 a term education and they still sound like common idiots.”I was totally like, I want a mini, but he was like no way, so I was like fuck you then Daddy and stormed out the house”. The classless classes cutting class for caffeine.


  1. The language seemed necessary, not gratuitous which is what matters by my reckoning.

    The last bit rings especially true, Edinburgh’s coffee shops are choked with these toffs-in-training – not that I’ve got anything against independent private schools – but they seem to be only learning advanced arrogance and snobbery from what I can tell.

  2. nice piece of work mate, especially like the alliteration in the last sentence. Also agree about the young toffs. Unfortunately any chain coffee shop in Edinburgh is full of these people

  3. This is really good. The language is strong, but it works in the context and doesn’t come across as gratuitous. And that really is a brilliant last sentence.

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